


Hot Sauce (or: Ham Sandwich at Dom's)

by Scrunyuns



Category: Fargo (2014)
Genre: F/M, Ham Sandwich - Freeform, I just love them idk, M/M, UST, and Aussie w/ his kinda blokey Australianness, and Letters b/c I find it very easy to identify w her crudeness and hypersexuality, hah I love writing Hammer and his insecure machismo-ness, non-canonical characters, should prolly be rated for their language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-05
Updated: 2015-08-05
Packaged: 2018-04-12 23:13:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4498338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scrunyuns/pseuds/Scrunyuns
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Out of fucking nowhere, Letters asks Hammer out for a drink. He shouldn't complain - he's been trying to get in her pants for a while now, after all - but of course she had to pick a night when he's already made plans with the Australian.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hot Sauce (or: Ham Sandwich at Dom's)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mintywrites](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mintywrites/gifts).



> Sit-commy juggling dates fic with our favorite threesome of OCs (well Aussie's not really an OC but he's got more lines in this fic alone than he had on the whole show, heh) as requested by mintywrites.
> 
> The prompt was something like "a sit-com type situation where Hammer schedules a date with Letters despite having a agreed to a Boy's Night out with Aussie (which might as well be a date too b/c they have a fuckton of UST) and he has to juggle them" and well, I jumped on it. I had a lot of fun writing this! Hope you like it, minty <3

Hammer can hardly believe his ears when one day, after weeks and months of him pestering Letters with cheeky one-liners and coming up empty handed, she casually asks him "Wanna go for a drink tonight?"

He's been trying to get her on a date since he first laid eyes on that scrumptious little vixen, and so he can't complain - but of course she had to invite him for drinks when he's already promised Jergen a guys' night out. _Just my luck._

"Why, uh, why now?" he asks.

"If you don't wanna go, fine," she says, cocking an eyebrow.

"No! No, I just, uh... I'm a bit surprised, is all. Thought you weren't interested."

"I am, I just wanted it to be on my own terms," she explains with a shrug. "I don't like it when guys come on to me. I kinda wanna be the instigator, you know?"

That would usually be a turn-off for Hammer - he tends to like his women coy and sweet - but Letters seems to have changed his tastes in a number of ways. Being asked out by a woman is suddenly incredibly hot.

"So are you free or not?"

"Yeah, yeah," he lies. "I'm free. For sure."

"Cool. I'll see you later, then."

And there she goes, strutting down the hall. Hammer almost weeps at the sight of that pert little apple bottom swaying back and forth. _I guess I'll just have to cancel my plans with Aussie,_ he thinks. _'Cause there's no way in hell I'm passing this up._

\---

Cancelling is easier said than done, of course. If the guys' night out had included his brother and that sleazebag partner of his, Hammer wouldn't have felt so bad about changing his plans. _But no, those two fairies are going on a date tonight, of course. And if I cancel, the whole goddamn thing's off._ He can't stop visualizing Jergen sitting at home, alone, crying softly as he comfort eats an entire jar of Vegemite to himself.

"So, boys' night out eh?" The Australian chirps as he punches Hammer in the shoulder. "Where are we goin'?"

"'Bout that, uh..."

Jergen's grin fades.

"You're not gonna cancel on me, are ya?"

There has always been something in Jergen's big, sad eyes that makes it damn near impossible for Hammer to say no to him. Perhaps it's knowing that the guy is a million miles from home and doesn't really have a lot of friends here, which is something that Hammer can certainly relate to. He has got to think of something, quick.

"No, 'course not, buddy!" he laughs. "It's just that, uh... I kinda wanted to go see a game, an' I thought you might object."

"C'mon, Ham, are you joking? I don't mind watching a game! Where are we going?"

"Uhhh..."

_Oh god. What sports bar in Fargo is big and crowded enough for me to juggle the two of them?_

"I know," Hammer says, snapping his fingers. "Dom's."

\---

Dom's used to be just a simple, shabby one-storey sports bar reeking of piss and frequented by a small but loyal band of working class guys, but it was recently renovated; they expanded the area and turned the upstairs into a lounge with a dance floor and a fancy cocktail bar in order to widen their customer base. And it worked, too, so the place is always packed, which makes it the perfect location. A crowd to disappear in will definitely work to his advantage. _I can have cocktails with Letters on the top floor, and catch the game with Aussie downstairs. Easy!_

He's meeting up with Jergen first, having arranged drinks with Letters for a bit later in the evening. There's only one entrance and it's downstairs, which would be a problem - however, Hammer has arrived early in order to choose a seat in one of the more dark and secluded corners on the first floor. _If it's crowded enough by the time Letters arrives, she definitely won't be able to see us,_ Hammer thinks and gives himself a mental pat on the back for being so forward-thinking.

"Oiii!" Aussie hollers as he walks up and throws his arms around him.

Hammer winces. It feels weird, being hugged by another man. Normally he would push the other guy away, but he'll allow it just this one time. _It's probably an Aussie thing,_ he decides.

They order some burgers and beers. Hammer is starving and it's always a bad idea to start drinking on an empty stomach, but right now he really needs some alcohol to calm his nerves.

"Y'know, I can appreciate American footie," Jergen says, peering up at the TV screen as he lays into his cheeseburger. "But why do you call it that? They hardly kick the fuckin' ball!"

"Isn't rugby almost exactly the same, though?"

"Yeah, but we don't call if fuckin' footie, do we?" Jergen mumbles around a mouthful of burger.

"Yeah, alright," Hammer says. "Good point."

"And hey, we actually play. How long do these jokers even play for? I feel like it's about two minutes of actual game time and the rest is just ads and bouncing boobs."

"You don't like boobs?" Hammer teases, jabbing his friend in the side with his elbow.

"Look, mate, I didn't say I don't like boobs. Everyone likes boobs. It's just that if I wanted pop a stiffie, I'd watch a porno, yeah?"

"Yeah, fair enough."

"And what's with the fuckin' riot gear, anyway?" Jergen asks. "You'll never see our boys playing rugby wearing that shit. Protection is for pussies!"

"Keep your voice down," Hammer laughs nervously, making apologetic gestures to the sour-faced old timers in NDS Bison shirts giving the Australian the evil eye. "You wanna get the shit kicked outta ya, you crazy son of a bitch?"

"You know what?" Jergen says, popping a french fry in his mouth. "I wouldn't mind a good punch-up."

"Yeah, well, maybe after you finish your food."

"Awright, mum."

\---

'Gonna be there in five. You there already?' the text from Letters reads.

'Running a bit late, actually. Just go upstairs and wait for me there. You can order for me if you want.'

Lying to her doesn't feel good, but it has to be done.

'Okay, what's your poison?'

'Anything, I don't care.'

"Who are you texting with?" Jergen asks as he returns from the men's room.

"Just Wrench."

"Thought he had date night with Numbers?"

"Well apparently Numbers has IBS and they have to stay home."

"Fuckin' hell."

While he usually enjoys spreading vicious rumors about his brother's sack of shit partner, this time it leaves a bitter taste in his mouth. Telling Letters a few white lies is one thing, lying to Jergen feels even worse; if _she_ ever finds out what he's doing she'll give him shit for it, sure, but Jergen will be devastated. The guy is just so goddamn trusting - which you'd think would be an unfortunate trait for someone who works for a crime syndicate. Hammer has to wonder how that wide-eyed Aussie boy ended up in this line of work in the first place.

A figure dressed all in white appears in the doorway, and Hammer tries to crouch down. The place is too big, dark and crowded for Letters to spot them, though, so she heads straight for the stairs on the right hand side of the bar.

Then Hammer realizes that Jergen could spot her, seeing as she sticks out like a sore thumb in that outfit, and that was something he hadn't taken into account. The last thing he needs is for Jergen to start shouting and waving at her. He panicks, racking his brain for some way to distract the Australian and coming up with nothing. But at that very moment, as if by divine intervention, the Bison score a touchdown and the gleeful, testosterone-fuelled frenzy that follows is the perfect diversion. When it eventually dies down, Letters is nowhere in sight and Hammer can breathe easy.

 _Baby Jesus, you came through for me again,_ he thinks, kissing the crucifix hanging around his neck.

"Awright, you must be big into the Bison," Jergen says with a bemused look on his face.

"Nah, I just hate the other team."

"Can't argue with that logic."

 _By God, is he naïve._ Hammer is surprised at himself; he actually finds it kind of endearing. Cute, even. Of course, he would never use those exact words to describe his colleague. At least not out loud.

He lets his lady wait for a few more minutes before excusing himself to Jergen with another lie.

"Gotta take a piss, I'll be right back."

\---

"Did it hurt?" Hammer purrs as he saunters up to the petite beauty waiting at the bar. "When you fell down from heaven?"

At first Letters looks stupefied, and for a moment Wrench think's he's got her, but then she starts howling with laughter, throwing her head back.

"Did you roll around in a tub of Doritos?" She asks, wiping the tears from the corners of her eyes. "Because you're fuckin' cheesy."

Hammer's cocky grin fades.

"Here, smooth operator," Letters says, pushing a tall glass over to him. "I got you a drink."

It's a very feminine glass, all curvy and delicate, and it's filled to the brim with some sickly sweet-looking substance that Hammer can't identify, topped off with a strawberry and a pink umbrella.

"The fuck is this."

"You said 'anything' so I got you a girly drink just to piss you off," Letters says, tongue poking out between her pointy teeth. "You're welcome!"

If this was any other date, Hammer would have left by now - but Letters can get away with that sort of thing, being a stone cold fox and all. He is determined to seal the deal, and no amount of antagonism will ruin this once-in-a-lifetime chance for him.

Hammer takes a seat and tells the bartender to get him the manliest manly mandrink they've got.

\---

"I thought you'd fallen in!" Jergen exclaims.

"Had to take a phone call after," Hammer lies when he comes back downstairs from his lengthy 'toilet break'.

"Who was it?"

"Oh, uh, just Tripoli... man, that guy can talk."

"You're tellin' me, mate!" Jergen huffs. "Don't ever - ever! - ask him about his mastiffs. You'll have grown moss by the time he's finished."

"Oh, I believe you," Hammer chuckles. "I once made the mistake of asking about his ex-wife."

He's surprised at the ease with which the lies roll off his tongue now, how all the booze he's had seems to have washed all his guilt away. _What they don't know won't hurt them, right?_

"Oh hey, I ordered us some hot wings," Jergen says, rubbing his hands together. "Here they come!"

 _Ah, fuck. Now I have to sit here eating hot wings._ There's nothing wrong with hot wings, of course, but Letters will start wondering where he is soon enough. He's not about to flatter himself by visualizing her waiting for him with bated breath - she's probably playing Snake on her phone right now - but he knows quite well that she is not a patient creature.

"You look worried," Jergen says as he finishes off his first hot wing. "Wanna share?"

"I thought we were sharing. Wait, you're talking 'bout hot wings, right?"

Jergen chuckles as he licks the sauce from his fingertips, and Hammer is horrified to find that his jeans appear to have shrunk suddenly, in a very unfortunate region of his anatomy. _Well, that's unsettling._

\---

As anticipated, Letters is on her phone when he returns.

"Miss me?" Hammer asks, but she won't spare him a glance.

"Like the deserts miss the rain," she drones in a monotone voice. "Just lemme finish this level... Fuck! You threw me off my game, man."

"I'm sorry," he says. "I kinda thought we're on a date."

"Well, so did I but then you disappeared for like twenty minutes, so I just started playing Tetris," she explains, putting her phone back in her coat pocket. "Actually, you should be glad I'm not talking to anyone else, because the dudes in here all look desperate as shit and it usually doesn't take them more than five seconds to swoop in on a lone female."

"I'm sorry I was in the toilet for so long."

"Yeah, have you got the shits or something?"

"No! Jesus Christ, woman!"

Letters cackles.

"Listen, I really don't give a single fuck what you've been doing. Just buy me a drink, okay?"

"Alright, what are you having?"

"Old Fashioned."

"Bartender!" Hammer calls. "I'll have another one of those, uh, can't remember what it was called... that rye I had earlier. And an Old Fasioned for the lady."

"Hey," Letters says, leaning in to get a better look at his face. "What's that on your mouth?"

"Oh, nothing."

To his shock and surprise, Letters leans in further and licks the corner of his mouth, tasting the unidentified brown stuff with a contemplative look on her face.

"Well, it's not shit," she says, earning her a look of utter disgust. "Oh, c'mon, that was funny. Hmm, I wanna say... hot sauce?"

Hammer freezes.

"Have you been eating without me, you naughty boy?" Letters purrs. "Is that why you were gone so long?"

"Uhh... yeah. Yeah, I had some hot wings."

"You coulda just told me you were hungry!" She says, punching him in the arm. "You don't need to be embarrassed to eat in front of me. I eat like a pig, too."

Letters hops off her barstool.

"I could do with a bite, actually. Come on, we'll go downstairs and have-"

"No!" Hammer all but yells, his arm shooting out to catch hers. "No, there's a game on and it's horrible down there. I wanna stay up here."

"Okay, alright, calm down," she says, looking at him like he's wearing a jacket made out of spiders.

\---

He tries to stay with Letters for as long as it takes her to forget about his bizarre behavior, but it's getting to that time in the evening when he needs to relieve his bladder for real. He excuses himself, takes a quick trip to the bathroom, and sneaks back downstairs to see Jergen.

The sight that greets him at the bottom of the stairs curdles his blood.

"Alright, mate," Jergen says, standing there with his arm around Letters. "Look who I ran into in the toilets."

"So, this is a funny story," Letters starts, a wicked smile on her face. "When you went to the bathroom, I realized I had to go, too, but the ladies' room upstairs was full of vomiting college girls, so I went to see if the toilets down here were less rank..."

"And she ran into me!" Jergen exclaims.

"Yeah and I thought, well that's a weird coincidence," Letters continues. "So I ask him, are you here alone?"

"And I said no, I'm here with Hammer."

"And I said, are you sure?" Letters says, delivering the line with much bravado. "Because _I'm_ here with Hammer."

Hammer is struck dumb, his face drained of color.

"I have to ask," Letters laughs. "What the hell lead you to believe that this juggling thing would actually work? I mean for fuck's sake, have you not seen a single sitcom in your life?"

"Mate, if you wanted to invite Letters here for the guys' night out, you coulda just said so," Jergen chimes in. "She's one of the guys!"

"Aw, you're too sweet," Letters coos, kissing Jergen's cheek. "But we were kinda here on a date... wait, were you guys here on a date, too? Because honestly, Hammer, there's no need to deceive us like that. I don't mind sharing, you know."

"We aint here on a date," Hammer growls, finally finding his voice.

"Well, that semi in your pants told a different story," Jergen says in a sing-songy voice, tilting his head in the general direction of Hammer's privates. "When you disappeared so suddenly, I thought you were in the bathroom trying to pound it into submission."

"Ooooh, the plot thickens!" Letters whispers, rubbing her hands together.

"I did that thing where I order hot wings and lick the sauce off my fingers. You know."

"Oooh, I taught you that one!" Letters says, clapping her hands."I'm so proud! Show me."

Obeying orders, Jergen reenacts it, only more obviously erotic this time around. He runs his tongue up and down his index finger, sucking on the tip like it's his job, staring at Hammer the whole time.

"Except not that explicit," he says when he finally breaks character and pulls his finger out of his mouth with a loud pop. "I was trying to keep it subtle and classy, ya know?"

"Shit, I would have popped a boner, too!" Letter says, fanning herself. "You little devil..."

"You're both devils," Hammer interrupts, annoyed now. He will not stand by and be made a mockery of, regardless of the fact that a man had managed to make him hard - and is _still_ making him hard, truth be told. "I'm going home."

"Oh, come on, Hammy," Jergen whines.

"Yeah, you hardly have the right to be pissed," Letters says. " _You're_ the one who tried to bullshit us, remember?"

She disentangles herself from Jergen and slinks up to Hammer.

"Now, I think an apology would be in order," she whispers with an incredibly alluring mock-pout on her face, running her dainty hands up and down his chest. "And I know how you can make it up to us."

"Yeah?" Hammer says, breathless.

"Yeah... You take both of us home."

Hammer has to take a second to process that. _Did she mean take them home like... drive them? Or..?_

"You serious?"

"I told you, darling" she says, stroking his cheek. "I don't mind sharing. In fact, I _prefer_ to. What about you, Aussie?"

"Yeah, I don't mind," he shrugs. "I'm easy."

Wrench isn't sure if that's Australian for 'I'm not fussy' or 'I'm slutty' but judging by the look on Jergen's face, it might just be both.

"Well?" Letters says, snapping her fingers in front of Hammer's face.

"Uhh... This is real weird for me."

"It could get even weirder, if you want," Jergen says with a wink.

Hammer doesn't even want to think about how it could possibly get any weirder - but that thing in his pants has a mind of its own, apparently. And if he were to claim that he's not excited by the thought of these two hotties naked in bed with him, he'd be a goddamn liar.

"Fuck it," he says, finally. "There's a first time for everything, I guess."


End file.
